You Are Not Santa

Dear Moms (and sometimes Dads):

Every year about this time you likely go into a panic with lists and budgets and recipes and and and…

I’ve got some great news for you.

You are not Santa!

Maybe no one has told you this before, so here I go:

YOU SHOULD HAVE A CHRISTMAS, TOO…not just be the one that provides Christmas for everyone else!

But do you?  Do you have a Christmas?

Or do you sit and watch everyone else having a Christmas in your five-minute breaks between chores of being Perpetual Santa creating Christmas for everyone else?

I can guess the answer. I know the answer.

Because I was Perpetual Santa for many many years.  And now, even as a single-mom-not-able-to-afford-being-Santa-anymore, I still feel the guilt of not having all of the lists and recipes and chores that I used to have to make Christmas, well, Christmas … for everyone else.

Do you know that that kind of stress can make you  physically ill?

Some of you do know. Some of you don’t know. (And ONE of you actually thrives on this kind of stress because it’s actually good for you. I’m happy for you. You can stop reading now because the rest of this blog is for those of us who think we’re thriving, but aren’t)

And some of you don’t know yet that it’s hurting you because — down the road — you will begin to see the wear and tear this has had on your mind and body. It WILL catch up.

When do you get a holiday?

Moms (and sometimes dads, but not as often), you need more than a holiday. You need holidays. Moments and minutes and hours and days where nothing is expected of you (by others OR by yourself) where you get to just breathe, regroup, and restore. Small daily doses of rest, just like kids get. It’s not wrong to make sure that you take care of YOU first. It actually makes you a BETTER parent or friend when you choose to do this.

Do you feel like your mind never, ever stops? Especially this time of year from, oh, October through New Years, are you realizing that you never give your brain and body a conscious break from day-to-day, week-to-week, year-to-year stress??

Here is my little gift to you:

*ASK for what you need. Let your people know exactly what blesses and heals you.

*Take time for JUST YOU five minutes a day, and consciously breathe. Do nothing but breathe. A doctor I know said that if everyone took 20 deep breathes in complete silence just once a day, it has potential to change the world.

*Sit with a favorite beverage 20 minutes before anyone else awakens and just quiet your mind. Read something soothing to your soul. Play music that lifts your spirits…I know of an album called We Found Home (written by yours truly and my daughters) that would bring you the precious gift of peace. 🙂 (link below)

*Buy yourself a small, favorite treat next time you’re shopping for everyone else. Hide it and enjoy it in those (above) quiet moments. I choose Endangered Species Dark Chocolate “Almond and Sea Salt” flavor — there are essential nutrients in that stuff! WIN!!

*Fill a tub with hot water and 2 cups of epsom salts (or a fancy bath bomb, if you like), light a candle, turn on your favorite music or that podcast you’ve been wanting to listen to, close and lock the bathroom door (at my house the door doesn’t latch, so both steps are necessary to alert the offspring that this is MOM-time), lay back and do NOTHING but soak for 20-30 minutes. Do this at least twice a week. Epsom salts soothe muscles and are reputed to draw out heavy metals from your body. Add some Lavender essential oil and you’ll sleep like a baby elf!

This Christmas (and always) please take care of you first.

It’s your gift to yourself…which is ALWAYS a gift to your entire family and to your world, as it happens.

And thank you. Thank you for being such an amazing giver. It’s time for you to receive.

So much love,

Elisa

https://store.cdbaby.com/Artist/ElisaJoyTorres

 

 

 

On Being Real

I’ve been afraid to show up as “less than perfect.” And I don’t even know what “perfect” IS! Do you???

The only way to achieve so-called perfection is to be unapologetically yourself.

REAL — sad, happy, broken, healing or healer, scared, brave “succeeding” or failing, fun, boring, recovering, peaceful, loud, whatever — in your moments.

I can preach it, but it’s proving more difficult to live it.

Por ejemplo: I’ve been avoiding doing my FB Live videos because I keep waiting until I “feel” great in order to show up sounding inspired and looking “good.” I’m in some kind of jacked up competition with myself that I can never win because the longer I hide, the easier it becomes to stay hidden.

And hiddenness is NOT where healing resides. Healing is found in COMPANIONSHIP and LOVE. And knowing that we (and our life experiences) are needed.

I want it. I know you do, too.

My current life experience: I have a grouping of physical symptoms that are becoming known more widely by the heading “Adrenal Fatigue.” And these symptoms show themselves in some annoying ways. I never know from day to day how they may manifest as I study myself (like a bug under a microscope) to discover the root causes. This past weekend I discovered that sugar and dairy combined will kick my butt and knock me completely off my feet. No kidding. Evil, evil dark chocolate organic ice cream!

The worst of it is, however, that it made me feel depressed and abandoned…even though my daughters went on a beautiful “Let’s Cheer Mom Up!” surprise Christmas Quest to Marshall’s and bought a Christmas tree and seasonal decor (throws, pillows, floor rug) to brighten up our living room. My reaction when I saw their efforts, the room, the blazing fire in the fireplace, the scented candles, that beautiful tree lit up with white lights?? I burst into tears of PTSD. I did thank them later, but it was most definitely belatedly.

Poor daughters!

NO MORE ICE CREAM & MOCHAS FOR ME!!

All this to say: So many people have reached out to me since I “came out” about my illness that I KNOW this is epidemic in our world, yet few — relatively speaking — are talking about it.

Because I have it, I believe that “perfect” for me is to talk. Well, I’ve ALWAYS found it easy to talk, but it’s time to talk about IT.

So, I’ll still be chatty about whatever “divine download” comes to me on the fly, and you’ll still be privy to our musical evenings of Nite-Nite with Nae-Nae and Dream a Little Dream of Bree. But as I traverse this healing journey from debilitating exhaustion, I’m going to tell you what I find out so that you, too, can heal and help others do the same. You’re welcome.

And I’m going to be nicer to my daughters. They are even better than Elf On A Shelf, and my living room is a wonderland. Plus, they bring me bone broth. *bleeeess!* Life = sweet.

I love you.

~eJoy

Carrying a Load?

GET OVER IT! (or…How Long is Long Enough?)

I was sitting in a church last week (a noisy church, no less) breathing through the mind chatter in my head. I looked down at the card in my hand and it was a listing of all the upcoming classes being offered. The words “Divorce Support” seemed to leap at me from the list and I passively began to read the description. I read it passively because it has been over seven years since I became single and I considered myself considerably “over it” by now. But something within me whispered “You should go.” So I went.

ARE YOU “SHOULDING” ME?

I often tell people “Don’t ‘should’ yourself” (which is actually a form of ‘shoulding’ in itself, but stick with me) because basing one’s decisions on the “shoulds” we put on ourselves isn’t usually the best course of decision-making action.

This was one of those times where “shoulding” myself turned out to be a GoOD thing.

NO-SHOW SUPPORT

There were only four people there that night. The leader admitted that for the past two weeks no one had shown up. It immediately brought to mind how often we allow opportunities to slip by simply because we don’t say “Yes” and show up. I know I do it without any effort at all…not show up.

Have you ever noticed that the most valuable things in life require effort? (think: meaningful connection with your partner or your kids)

I was excited to have made the effort. And excited to have shown up the very next day. And excited to find out what “support” would look like for all of us there that night.

WE TALKED.

“That’s IT?” you may wonder. “All you did was TALK?” you may be asking.

That’s it. All we did was talk. No cross-talking or coaching or counseling or opinion sharing. Just one-at-a-time talking. It was based upon the 12-step programs and we went around the room taking random turns saying, “Hi, my name is ______” and launching into sharing whatever was on our minds. I giggled when I took a second turn and said, “Hi, my name is still Elisa” but got over it pretty quickly when the leader didn’t crack a smile. This talking stuff was pretty darn serious to her! Then I realized after my second turn how mellow I was feeling. Like a warm blanket had been draped over my shoulders on a chilly day. I also realized as I listened to the pain in the voices and memories of the others that there was much that I wasn’t “over” yet. And it helped to talk about it. A lot.

IT FELT LIKE BELONGING

I noticed upon entering that the others there were tense and nervous. I, however, (being me) was excited and eager to dive into whatever “support” was going to be offered – both the giving and receiving of it! I was a little disappointed at the instructions given to not reply one word to another person’s sharing. Whaaaat? No cross-talking? No advice or commiserating beyond “Mmmmm, uh-huh, Oooooh” and nodding silently? Now I felt a little tense and nervous, myself! Could I DO it?!?

Then I observed something as I shared — uninterrupted — while the others made supportive noises and nodded their heads: I noticed that I felt lighter, closer, safer. I felt SUPPORTED. I felt like a weight had been lifted and others were bearing some of it.

BEAR ONE ANOTHER’S BURDENS

There is a scripture in the Bible that says “Bear one another’s burdens…” and, in this way, you fulfill the Gospel that Jesus taught which is, basically, Love One Another.

Sitting there in that room with three strangers, I felt Heard. Supported. Loved!

I felt like I got to experience what I give to others when they come to me for coaching: Lightness. Relief. Release. Healing.

And it was all because I chose to show up, share, and bear others’ burdens.

If you are in a healing process of any kind, I encourage you to reach out to others who are hurting like you and LISTEN and SHARE and BEAR. The load is so much lighter when we all carry a bit of the weight together.

So much love,

~Elisa

Find me on Facebook @ Elisa Joy Torres

Life Coach, Loving Mentor, Burden-Sharer, Friend

Sometimes it takes 21 years…

…or longer, for a dream to come true.

And when it does come true, unpacking those feelings and sensations can be a confusing blend of conflicting emotions — insecurity, surprise, grief (that it took so long), excitement, overwhelming love, forgiveness (that it took so long), and peace amidst the myriad butterflies.

It feels a bit like Christmas Eve right now — the kind where you know that the awkwardly-wrapped gift leaning on the wall behind the Christmas tree is obviously the bicycle you longed and prayed for. The longer you’ve waited for it, the more you appreciate that it’s finally <almost> here. But you still don’t know the feel of it beneath your body and your heart races at the prospect of tearing into the paper & taking it out for a first glorious ride.

Except, there are TWO dreams culminating within one “gift:” a bicycle built for two, so-to-speak.

I’m a musician. I have dreamed of sharing the music I create with the world ever since I can remember. But with the passage of time I became resolved to the idea that the dream might never come true.

I had another dream since childhood and it was to have children. Not just any children. I wanted to adopt two children and then give birth to two children. I know, right? I’m a believer in being very, very specific in what I want. And that’s what I wanted.  It took seven and a half years of infertility for my then-husband to agree to adopting. Before that, he was unwilling to adopt. Therefore, God in his infinite wisdom saw to it that, in order for my dream to be realized, I go through what others might describe as a “trial.” So. I infertiled for seven years. He “trialed” and prayed and longed to be a dad. I waited patiently. He changed his mind and became open to adoption. We adopted.

Our first adoption was a 4-year-old boy who started out with us as a foster child and within a year he had become our sweet, funny, entertainer son. Our second adoption was a 3-day-old baby girl, Bree, who is now 21 years old and one of my dearest friends. Then I was blessed in the following four years with two pregnancies and two more beautiful, gifted, and amazing daughters.

I adored them and homeschooled them and taught them all to sing.

And tomorrow I realize my other dream — the 21-year dream of having the music I’ve written be presented to the world for ALL to be blessed by, and not just my immediate friends and family. And that music is being sung by my children…what could be better?

I wrote my first baby song twenty-one years ago when my Bree-bee was only a few weeks old. We’ve been singing our Night-Night Time song ever since that day — if you know us, you’ve likely heard us sing it to you more than once. If you haven’t heard it yet, you will soon because this dream is coming true like beautiful rains showering down upon a field of fragrant flower buds ready to bloom! (maybe not THE perfect metaphor, but it’ll do and it smells real pretty and makes me smile) Bree is singing “her” song on our album — I wrote it for her 21 years ago, sang it to her for two decades, and now she is singing it for everyone. To say that I’m excited feels odd because what I actually feel is such a combination of emotions that I’m just breathing through until tomorrow when our title song for our album, “Bridge,” is released for download.

My heart is overwhelmed right now. I’m exhausted from the production process and the steepest learning curve I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m thrilled that our unique music is finally being shared with the world like fresh rain. I’m proud of my daughters and my team for all the work we’ve put in the sacrifices we’ve all made to make this happen…Dan Gill, April Burney & her sweet daughters, and numerous others who took this leap of faith with us. It’s beautiful, scary, and amazing all at once.

Sometimes dreams take a long time. And we appreciate them more for the waiting.

https://breenae.bandcamp.com/releases

 

Keep Your eyes on your WHYs, not on your fears.

Keep your eyes on your “WHYs,” not on your fears.

Wherever you are headed, there will ALWAYS be someone headed in the opposite direction. Sometimes those someones collide with you and slow you down. Sometimes the collision will bring an abrupt halt to a journey. And sometimes those collisions abort a journey with the death of your dream as the result.

I once heard a speaker talk about faith, belief, and how our focus determines our direction. She illustrated her point by explaining how easy it is for night driving to become hazardous if the driver focuses on oncoming headlights in the opposite lanes instead of on the road right ahead them. She said, “If your focus is on the headlights of oncoming traffic, that is the direction you will tend toward as you are blinded by the glare, and collision will be the outcome. However, if you keep your focus on your OWN lane and ignore the other headlights, you will maintain your vision, avoid collision, and keep the momentum toward your destination.”

Where is your focus? I challenge you to keep your vision focused on your Why. Your Why is the reason you do what you do. And if you don’t have a set of WHYs for your goals in life that help determine your daily actions, then let’s get intentional about defining them. I’m working on that right now and it is helping me focus on life direction, not on my fears and not on my “no”s.

A Book of Wisdom says “Without direction, people wander aimlessly” and it is a basic truth: If we don’t know where we are going, we will surely get there. LOL

Let’s decide our destination, determine our WHYs, and focus only on the road ahead (our dream; our goal) instead of the fears & blinding doubts of oncoming “traffic.”

Keep your eyes on your WHYs, not on your fears!

That Very Small Place

Are you stuck?

Do you ever feel sick, angry, depressed, frustrated, rejected, anxious, in debt, fill-in-the-blank, TIRED of whatever it is that keeps raising its annoying head and stopping you in your tracks and making you feel like some nebulous “something” is just WRONG in your life???

If you feel stuck (or any of the above-listed things), I have a thought for you. AND for me:

You may be feeling that way because you are NOT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE in some area of your life.

You’re keeping yourself in a space where you don’t belong. Maybe even a literal place.

You’ve gotten yourself wedged in a tight spot NOT MEANT FOR YOU and those spots hurt for a reason:

TO COMPEL YOU — through PAIN — to get you to MOVE from where you ARE to where you actually BELONG!!!

I don’t know the medical terminology for the phenomenon of funny bones (laughing & crying at the same time for the intensity of pain triggered when certain nerves are struck) or knee-jerk reactions, but those are protective measures Nature has in place that, ultimately protects us from experiencing worse pain…for instance, knee-jerk nerves kick in (literally) to keep us UPright when our body perceives that a fall is imminent. The jerk is our nervous systems emergency response to the sensation of falling and it violently yanks us in an opposite direction so as to defy gravity & force us to stand instead of fall.

Unfortunately, it often backfires and the energetic output makes us fall even harder.

Sometimes.

If you are in this stuck place — possibly even chronically, there is someone here for you that is going to completely and violently and gloriously CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE. !!!

Like the knee-jerk reaction our nervous system enacts when a certain nerve is triggered in our bodies, there is a resounding “snap!” of energy meant to catapult us into a state of “staying upright” when a crisis happens (be it an actual — like a car accident, or emotional — like anxiety, or spiritual — like depression, or physical — like chronic illness crisis) and our entire being reacts in some negative fashion that, instead, brings us toppling down some proverbial (or real) flight of stairs to land in a heap at the bottom saying, literally, “What the HELL??? AGAIN???!!!”

You are experiencing “pain” because your very BODY is reacting violently to SAVE YOU from STAYING where you DON’T FIT.

You may have fit there once, but now it’s time to move on; to get back into an upright position; to extricate yourself from the small tunnel you are IN and move into the expansive spaces of BEING where you actually BElong.

You do not belong “there.” That’s why it hurts to stay. Stuck.

The Universe conspires NOT “against” you…rather, it conspires FOR you to get out and get out NOW. To save your very life.

So what do we DO in our Stuckness? We feed. And get Stucker. And tell ourselves it’s “God’s Will” or “Our thorn in the flesh” or “Karma” or whatever…so that we can smile doggedly (and sometimes pridefully — been there, laid on that beach, got the t-shirt & tan lines to prove it) and bear up under our personal trial HOPING that, in the end, we will be purified somehow if we just stay there and…well…muddle on. Like Pooh. Eating honey. Stuck. And getting stucker.

We hire therapists. Or join “like-minded” groups. Or sign up for Bible studies. Or call friends & family who “support” us.

It feels good to be amongst people who care. Right???

But being around “people who care” may feel great for awhile, but if we don’t DO something to get ourselves out of the Very Small Place we are not meant for, we begin to get more and more anxious about even our “support” systems because our very CELLS cry out — I mean, literally at a cellular level our bodies REACT! — to “escape before it’s too late!!!”

There are signs and wonders and symptoms and various levels of emergency alerts.

Everyone’s emergency alert is slightly different and individual because these alerts are uniquely suited to get YOU and your unique I AM to take notice and, literally, MOVE. Move to a bigger space where you DO belong; where you can FUNCTION FREELY to not only live in a fully healed space, but to also be a catalyst to HEAL YOUR WORLD in a way that you — and only you — were perfectly equipped to do.

Friends and support are good. But don’t expect that to get you unstuck. You and ONLY you can make that choice.

When you get uncomfortable enough. When you’ve HAD enough. Or you die.

All the well-meaning professionals, advisors, lovers and friends can rally to our side to “help,” but in the end, salvation (or not) is our own choice.

And it is based upon one thing: realizing that we are in a space that is too small for us. Then doing whatever it takes (come hell or high water — and they WILL come…don’t burn or drown there when you are meant to be mobile and FREE!!!) to back up, track UP, and move into the amazingly spacious places meant for you.

 HOW DO WE DO THAT???

How do YOU do that???

How do you get UNstuck and into FREEDOM and PRODUCTIVITY???

You say “Yes.” I’m not kidding. It’s happening to me right this second and it’s miraculous, this little 3-letter word.

Some people like bullet points, direction, and Steps. So. Here ya go:

1.You stop trying to find your answer where you are. Just look at yourself honestly and realize you’re stuck.

2.You ponder where it is that you’ve always dreamed you COULD be; SHOULD be. Your “calling,” your “hopes and dreams,” that thing that makes you wince and cry every time you hear that quote that goes something like “the worst thing that can happen to you isn’t dying. The worst thing that can happen to you is dying with all of your songs (or visions, or talents, or dreams) still trapped inside of you.”

3.You let go of every excuse you’ve ever had about “Why I can’t do that” whether it be affordability, training, location, connections, confidence, education, associations (be they friend, family, foe, or both)…you name it. You’ve got excuses. I know. I’ve got THAT t-shirt, too. And it was hella expensive, let me tell you!

4.Then you look squarely in the eyes of your dreams and you say one word. One simple and amazingly innocuous-seeming word: YES. Just yes. Say it like this: “YES!!!!!!”

You’ve been waiting a long, long time to hear yourself say that. Your dreams have been waiting even longer to hear it.

And the whole freaking Universe is listening — poised and waiting — and catapulted into ACTION for the first time because you said it.

5. Now you REST. You’re done. DONE. No kidding.

Please hear me. This is life altering and your world will begin to change in that same moment you do this.

Even the way complete strangers look at you will change. Because saying Yes! to your calling brings your Destiny into alignment with where you ARE and everything changes.

And here’s the ultimate kicker:

YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN.

All you have to do is accept your assignment (the one that you’ve known for DECADES is “yours” but you’ve not been able to figure out how to make it happen).

YOU don’t make it happen. You just accept that it’s YOURS by saying Yes! to it.

The Universe is set into motion immediately because Creator has fashioned everything in creation to conspire together to help us expand and HEAL OUR WORLD.

I’m done for now. Something incredible is happening. And it’s not just to me.

I let go of “HOW???”, said my “Yes!!!”, then rested in knowing my “striving & worrying & longing & hoping” — that “work” was complete…and all heaven is breaking loose in my life.

This is that thing you read about in memes that says “your true work should have you getting up in the morning EXCITED to get back at it every day!” Not that it isn’t WORK…but the “work” that we are created for will energize us, not deplete us, IF it is within the sphere of our true calling.

Do the world a favor: Just say Yes! Today.

True character is exposed in simple interactions.

 

Today i received my second pithy indictment of human nature in as many days.  I wonder how often my true character — in seemingly innocuous interactions — is exposed to others who are observant and cognizant of the other humans around them?  It is a bit disconcerting to think about.  I tend to be annoyingly observant of sight, smell and sound and wish I could turn it off sometimes.  But I can’t.  And now you get to read about it.   Count it all joy.   🙂

Here’s the scoop:

Yesterday while waiting at a traffic light, a young man with a leashed dog was crossing the street in front of us.  The young man was dressed in the modern style of “pants on the ground” but seemed clean and handsome and his beard well-maintained.

I’m a mom.  I notice these things.

My only other thoughts were of how sweet it would be to see my own son right now and treat him for lunch.  Then the boy-man and his beautiful dog paused on the other side of the intersection before crossing the perpendicular street.  Some slight movement on the part of the young man caused the dog to flinch violently then literally hit the ground in a full-out cower before looking up to ascertain that blows were not about to rain down upon her head.

He never even glanced at her.  He proceeded to cross the perpendicular street and she got up quickly, wagging her tail, eyes glued upon his face.  She was clearly a breed-bitch and, just as clearly (to me, anyway), regularly abused.  By him.

I’ve known parents whose children reacted similarly.  Abusive parenting, exposed.  Without one spoken word.

My daughter beside me exclaimed “Whoa.  Mom!  Did you SEE that?  He beats that dog!”  And suddenly I saw a scruffy, abusive, common hoodlum; the type of guy who transforms a beautiful breed — like Pitbull, for example — into a “known” societal menace who is eternally snarling and searching for the next neck to latch onto.  A small entity who survives on a little food (hopefully), water and the hoped-for approval of his perceived master.  Can you see where this is going?

Dog owners determine their dogs’ view of the world surrounding them.  This dog looked to that boy as his god and master no matter how he treated his dog.  That boy consistently trained this dog in that belief.

Dogma.

I’m not being funny.  Not on purpose.  Not today.

Seriously.  What is the difference between this and some people’s practice of religion?

For decades I lived to please my dad, knowing that my pleasing him somehow would make me right with God.  It seemed to work, for the most part.  Oh, there were countless times when I failed — then cowered, froze and stared at his face waiting for some signal that scripturally-based “blows” were not forthcoming — but the whole paradigm of pleasing a god was being neatly walked out.  On a leash.  Attached to a collar. If you will.  Because when I became a teenager I had absorbed the “truth” that now I was to transfer that loyalty to whatever religious leaders we, as a family, were “submitting” to.  Then, as I began to date I already knew the drill:  “Good Christian girls become excellent Godly wives who submit to a like-minded man who will gently rule her in the ways of Godly Manhood & be her Covering until death (Human Christian Husbandry 101).”

Not all religious people believe this way.  This is only my perception of my own story.  But it is mine, and so it is real.

I learned — or chose — very early to look at people outside my belief system and outside my church or denomination as suspicious…to be avoided…on the wrong track…to be corrected, converted, judged and/or rejected.  Suspect.  If I had any doubt, I quickly referenced my authority figures for corrective measure to my possibly-flawed thinking:  parents, pastors or husband.  Usually in that order.  As a woman, I trained myself in this method.  Sometimes blows in the form of rebuke, “correction,” scriptures, counsel or dogma rained down upon my cowering head.  Other times just a firm but gentle reminder of what God’s Word says was enough to get my theology leash back online and my Dogma collar back in place.

If any friend noticed the strangeness of this lifestyle, I told them that it was MY choice and that I joyfully accepted my life as God’s Will and He was blessing me abundantly for it.

Enter children.  And knee-jerk parenting.  I couldn’t do it to them.  I tried and succeeded, to some degree, in recreating a similar dogma in my own children but found myself often saying things like “Never take ANYone’s word for ANYthing, not even mine.  Prove everything for yourself.  Believe nothing unless you have made it your own through research and conviction.  Your own.  Not someone else’s.”  As I schooled them in this, I had to realize the hypocrisy of my own lifestyle of believing others…those to whom I was “submitted.”  And I realized, once again, that I was cowering.

Only this time I was cowering from my own judgement blows.  Why was I teaching individualized thinking to my kids, but didn’t practice it myself?  I was a hypocrite.  Children don’t become what we SAY, they tend more to emulate who we ARE.  I was a religious freak zealous only to please my perceived God through pleasing the men to whom I submitted — parent, pastor, husband.  My children were hearing my words but learning my lifestyle.  And I witnessed family after family of “like-minded” folk living the same way raising children who winced and cowered at odd moments to imperceptible signals from their parents that they had somehow done something wrong.

I couldn’t do this any more.  I chose to stop living what others said, no matter what scriptures they might quote to attach to their attempts to control those around them.  I chose instead to closely observe some things in my life.  Things like peace and joy and happiness became more important to me than submission to man or book or god.  I began to measure my own success by the peace and joy displayed in the daily lives of my children.  I started to see the true fruit of loving myself FIRST (the way the Bible says, by the way) and only then attempting to love others in healthy — not expectational or religiously-required — ways.  It meant learning how to define and SAY the word “No.”  A lot.  I became happier and more at peace.  My children became happier and more at peace.

My parents, pastors and husband became confused and conflicted and — at varying levels — tried to tweak me back to the way I had been before.  Submitted.  But it was too late.  The leash was broken, the collar was off, and the itch was satiated for the first time.

I had tasted of the true Liberty that sets one free:  Truth. That mysterious “I Am” inside every one of us.  I Am full of life and light.  I Am a part of a vast tapestry of souls and my value as such is immeasurable.  I Am equipped with gifts and knowledge and skills and desires and abilities that contribute light and life and healing to my world; my corner of this tapestry.  Knowing and living this truth makes people free and I wasn’t about to assume the cowering position ever again.  My own and my children’s futures depended upon my upright posture.

It was not easy or simple.  It was messy and ugly and sometimes loud, this process of getting up off the ground.  I barked and I snarled and I sometimes had to bite back…only this time it wasn’t against so-called Unbelievers; it was against my handlers.  The ones who truly loved me stayed and chose to honor my new boundaries.  The ones who only wished to control me are gone.  For good.

It may be too late to erase some of the damage dogmatic lifestyle has done to my children.   But they have their own lives to live; their own choices to make; their own fights to fight and leashes to escape.  Just.  Like.  Me.

But, for better or for worse, I have shown them what it looks like to break the cycle and make their own choices of faith.   And I applaud their discoveries and rejoice in their explorations of this wonderful life we live.  A life of faith, yes, and belief in a loving Creator who seems to pour out tangible blessing daily upon us.  But don’t try to pigeonhole or define or denominationalize me because I’m still in process and likely always will be.   And that’s good.  So very good.

Dogma broke me, and then I broke the leash.  Took a while for me to figure out the latches on the collar, but I think I’m conquering those as well.

The only thing I try to be dogmatic about now is love and light and life.  I used to preach at my little ones (mostly tongue-in-cheek) that “It remains to be seen whether your time on this earth will be a blessing to the Universe…or not.” and I have seen their sweet lights spreading out into their little corners of the world bringing healing and joy to others.  I hope they don’t have dogmatic religious views or a solid set of judgement tools toward others except to serve and love as needed…judgement excepted.  I hope.  It isn’t what I lived 10 years ago with them, but it is what I strive for now.

And they never, ever cower and stare at my face waiting for the next corrective blow.  Ever.  Sometimes I miss the seeming-ease of those days of unquestioning submission, but NO.  I love having them choose to walk by my side without the leash to control them.  And, God forbid, I should ever raise a hand in correction I hope they growl and snarl and bare their teeth to remind me of how I’ve taught them more recently:  No leashes.  No control.  Only good fellowship and honoring one another and companionship, acceptance and love.

Companionship.  I like that.  And God (and dog) said “It is good.”

~CaveMomRising